Woody Allen (born Allen Stewart Königsberg, 1935-12-01) is an American film director, writer, musician, actor and comedian. Woody is probably one of the funniest people of the twentieth century. We all laughed at his many roles, movies he directed and his hilarious quotes. Here are some of our favorite ones.

1. Marriage? That’s for life! It’s like cement!

2. To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

3. I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

4. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

5. I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

6. Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

7. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

8. It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.

9. Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

10. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

11. My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.

12. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

13. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

14. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

15. I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

16. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

17. A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy… with polio.